Arbitrari...ances

You're still there?

2008-07-02T22:44:00.002-05:00

You have come to see what's new? Nothing! While you were out, I paused the blog for the summer. And didn't tell anyone about it. Frankly I had no idea you would come check it this summer. But when the college semester is upon us, the pointless things here shall return. Just in time to distract from schooling work.

Although if you beg really nicely, maybe I could do a couple of stuff before summer runs out. There are a couple thoughts hanging around in my brain region. So you, all of you, just let me know if you need a little something from this corner of the internet. Even though that would be kinda weird. And hopeless sounding.

Gluttony Night at the Dome

2008-05-20T22:09:00.002-05:00

Sorry I picked up on this late, because you wouldn't have missed this. The Minnesota Twins held a small event during games yesterday and today. For $33, fans could get an upper level seat and UNLIMITED concession stand food. That's equal parts brilliant and revolting, depending on your love for standard sporting event fare. Of course, each person was limited to two items per trip through the line. And obviously you had to consume both items before re-entering the line (unless you were crafty and wore well-pocketed pants, as one fan gloated in today's paper).

Yeah it's kinda (extremely) gross, envisioning a guy literally cramming a dog and nachos down his throat just as he hops back in line for the fourth go around. But consider this: that guy has been going to games all his life, getting ripped off all the way. Today, AD 2008, he must part with $10 for just a hot dog, drink and chips. It's about time he was rewarded, and in the form of nachos, giant pretzels, and malt cups galore. I say bless him. And now get him in for his yearly check-up, stat.

Free t-shirts! With a catch!

2008-05-16T22:29:00.003-05:00

Not really a catch per se. Because they are free! The only requirement is a relatively painless joining of a facebook group. Oh and the shirt is not real. That is, not in the literal, physical, wearable clothing sense. But you can, you know...print it out on some paper, or make a sticker out of it, or tile your computer's wallpaper with it...all things regular shirts are incapable of.

Just go to facebook.net and search high and low for the group. It's there somewhere.

No I'm kidding, DON'T do that. Knowing this internet, "facebook.net" is probably a portal to something very terrible. Or just a generic domain name holder. Just play it safe and click here.

Catching up with the Cracker Cats

2008-05-16T20:46:00.003-05:00

So sorry friend, I let the blog slide for a few weeks, and forgot to tell you about the Edmonton Cracker Cats open team tryouts. Remember, the official (unofficial [arbitrarily chosen]) baseball team of this blog? Well sadly, the tryouts already came and went. And to think, they also had cheerleading tryouts, advertised as no experience necessary! Personally, I think I'd have made at least one of the two.

But onward, upward, and etc. Opening Night is just a week from now. That's right. Friday, May 23, the old Cats take on the Calgary Vipers. First pitch is 7:05, Mountain Time. This being my first experience with our official team, I can't say whether the games can be tracked live, but check the website (theirs) on game night. Looks like there's a current box score type thing. In any case you'll get a good old fashioned game recap of some kind here. Hopefully I can borrow one from somebody. Though I kinda doubt independent minor league baseball gets great coverage up North. We'll see.

Oh, and extra incentive to make it for Opening Night - FIREWORKS! Are you making travel arrangements now?

Oh!

2008-05-15T23:57:00.002-05:00

Almost forgot to shout out at Justin for inspiring the revamped title of the chainsaw post. Thanks to his comment, I was able to more properly invoke the intended Shakespearianism!

Did I mean what I think I meant by "invoke"?

This is going to turn out badly

2008-05-15T23:04:00.004-05:00

NOTICE: This is indeed the first post of May, and the month is half over. I figured it would be best to hold off until the end-of-semester fireworks died down. Now all of you (actually it's just you, solitary reader) can refocus on important things. Ahem.

Oh a post.

Wow, this is getting uglier by the second. That's not a real saying, right? "Until the last dog dies!"? Googled it, and of course a bunch of people have used it. Sounds to me like a butchered version of at least three other real sayings. Think about it - this line implies that all will be well only when every contestant is dead. Total thermonuclear attrition. Losers all around. That's someone's idea of a rallying cry? Do you really want your "dog" to die as well? It just doesn't work. Not in the way intended.

But if I ran the Hillary's campaign, I'd probably be using this slogan right about now:

"Let's face it my friends, the second to last dog died at least a week ago, according the forum of media opinion. Honestly, find me one major political analyst that didn't throw his/her hat into Obama's ring within the last 7-10 days. Funny, everyone waiting so long, and then proclaiming the same conclusion simultaneously. Really, should they all get regular wages on the next paycheck? How about one pot, and everyone gets a little share. You can't have all these talking heads earning a living one the back of the ONE GUY who finally decided to call this race. I mean, seriously, at this point the delegate count says it all anyway. Question one: can add and subtract? Question two: do you want to be a big-time political reporter? And I know what you're asking now. 'Why haven't you thrown in the towel?' Here's why - I've spent a veritable FORTUNE on this stinking campaign. No use quitting until they drag you away kicking and screaming. And you never know what might happen. Obama's crazy Sunday school teacher might be hanging out just around the corner..."

Someone print that on a sign so she can use it at the next rally.

The more unkinder cut

2008-04-29T21:09:00.015-05:00

Here's the question of the day: why do I only capitalize the first word of blog post titles?

No that's not the question, I'll save that for "Worst Post Ever Day," celebrated annually on June 23rd. (or Chinese Worst Post Ever Day, on November 19).

REAL QUESTION: WHAT'S WORSE, A CHAINSAW CUT OR A PAPER CUT?

VS.

I say it's not as obvious as you think! There are two sides to this coin. Naturally we will use the greatest problem solving device of all time. A comparison/contrast list of pros and cons.

INTIMIDATION FACTOR
Chainsaw: 10/10 The classic horror movie weapon. Just plain gruesome looking. Crazy teeth make it look like a mechanical monster

Papercut: 0/10 No psychopath ever chased down a babysitter with a Hallmark card.

STEALTH FACTOR
Chainsaw: 0/10 Sneaky? Barry Bonds could sneak into a Little League lineup with more ease.

Papercut: 10/10 Basically the Stealth Bomber/Navy SEAL/Ninja of personal injuries. Danger isn't anywhere, it's everywhere. Which unassuming paper product is the one lying in wait? Trick question; they all are.

INJURY SEVERITY
Chainsaw: 9/10 Just your basic total mutilation. Limbs severed, internal organs externalized, and in short, a gore shower. Rates as 9 because I have to leave room for the ultimate injury, nuclear vaporization.

Papercut: 1/10 Tiny, tiny lascerations. Can draw blood at times.

ANNOYANCE
Chainsaw: 5/10 Can't really call this annoying. Chances are, you saw it coming. And the effect ranges from life-altering to -ending. Not really a monkey wrench in your day, more like a whole new era of pure agony. Though you may eventually be annoyed at having only one foot.

Papercut: 10/10 It's partly the surprise factor that makes these so intolerable. Just going about your own business shuffling papers/turning the page/handing someone a memo. Then SSSSSSSSSLICE! WHAHAT? IT'S JUST A FLYER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! You can't even see the gash, but it stings like there's no tomorrow. Arrrghhhh!

PREVENTION
Chainsaw: 6/10 Most of us don't see these every day, or at least get within 30 feet of one in operation. A logger would need a different rating. Still, when you do use it, you're practically begging to lose any number of vital body parts.

Papercut: 9/10 This is a bad 9 score, meaning you pretty much can't outrun papercuts. They catch us all at some point. You could wear leather gloves 24/7, but how big a dork are you willing to be? No, we just wait like lambs for the slaughter.

Is that it? Yeah might as well be. TALLY......

CHAINSAW: 30/50
PAPERCUT: 30/50

Well look at that! A tie! Definitely not manufactured to end up as a tie. That would be contrived. So there you have it, chainsaw cuts and papercuts are...virtually the same. Virtually.

Maybe that's not quite fair, but they're closer than you thought, huh?

Wait that wasn't technically a real list of pros and cons...

There Will Be Blogging

2008-04-28T21:41:00.001-05:00

There will be blogging this week. But not right now.

It's over

2008-04-19T23:28:00.005-05:00

Well that's that. Minnesota sports season is officially over. No, you're right, baseball isn't over. But 1: It's April, and 2: The Twins aren't bound for greatness anytime soon. So really it's over right now.

Not so terrible, really. Pro sports is kinda stupid when you think about it. That's mostly sour grapes talking, but still. What does it all have to do with the fans anyway? Your team loses every game; you go on living as usual. They win a championship; you're still living the same life, same old day in and day out. And either way, these guys are making more money than most of us could touch in 30 lifetimes (or touch legally, anyway).

Oh who am I kidding, this is the worst. Probably won't pick up the sports section of the paper for a month. And there will be therapy. Read: playing about 3 million games in NHL 08 and racking up Stanley Cups, till eventually it feels like the Wild are champs for real. And I'll probably gain 30 pounds of junk food. All on Pixy Stix.

At least there will be fewer sports posts, for you non-sports types.

One...Last...Time

2008-04-19T23:16:00.005-05:00

Well, this looks like it's almost over. Still down, 5 minutes to go. I have one more picture saved up.

Extra large for importance. If this doesn't work, hockey's over for the year. (please.......)

Elimination Desperation

2008-04-19T22:39:00.008-05:00

Waiting for third period, down 2-1. This could be it, and I'm not going down without a fight. So......here goes.

That might seem like overkill, but I had to do it. It's win or go home now. Although we actually go home either way, because a potentional game 7 would be in Minnesota, but I digress. That's a classic sports cliche, and I'm ruining it.

Not in time

2008-04-19T22:24:00.002-05:00

The luck may be turning. Wild get scored on and trail 2-1 in elimination game. And I was just about to post.

I just wasn't quick enough on the draw.

Economy forecast: really lame freebies

2008-04-19T19:02:00.020-05:00

Obviously the economy isn't doing so well right now, but who knew it was this bad?

Stumbled upon this at Sears today. Signs all over the store and even one outside the front door.

Since when did "blowout" mean "giving you a token gift that is so trivial it borders on insulting"? Did somebody order too much pop for the employee party? Or are we seeing a pitiful example of corporate penny pinching? Just another retailer trying desperately to stay afloat while facing increasingly tepid consumerism?

Plus, I'd bet it's diet anyway.

Too little, and late

2008-04-17T22:15:00.003-05:00

This kind of game makes me hate hockey. Wild absolutely dominating for two periods, then suddenly down 3-1. Erghh. Having nervous breakdown.

Not even this can save us now...

Here it's going again

2008-04-17T20:51:00.002-05:00

Well, the monkey's off the back. That is, Wild finally scored a first period goal, after having no goals in the first two periods of the last four games. In celebration, I should have an lolmonkey, but monkeys haven't proven to be good luck yet. No sense risking an experiment now.

Going with the familiar.

Overtime

2008-04-14T23:32:00.003-05:00

Wild in Overtime again...

This cat picture might do some good.

ACT(W) for April 14, 2008

2008-04-14T17:01:00.012-05:00

Friend, I wager either you've forgotten what the ACT(W) is or you've never heard of it. Refer back to the post about a penguin from Hello Kitty. Yes that actually happened, it's not even archived yet!

(It stands for Arbitrarily Chosen Thing of the Week).

And for the second time ever, an ACT(W) will now be unleashed on at least 7 or 8 people:

CHRIS & LARRY'S™ CLODHOPPERS®!!!

It is not a joke. Looks and sounds like one, but how much effort do you think really goes into this post? It took longer to write these last few sentences than it did to cut that off the official page. Which happens to be clodhoppers.tv, (just skip to http://www.clodhoppers.tv/about.html).

There's nothing to compare this stuff to. Truly. But surely, say you, surely these guys didn't just invent a never before seen junk food. Not after all these years. Everything's old hat, everything's borrowed. Well what if I told you it was Grandma's own specialty? Different story, eh? (the eh ties in, wait for it) Every Grandma has some recipe enitrely her own.

Turns out Grandma Emery's (possibly not her last name, but it's 50/50 I think) featured clusters of graham cracker bits and fudge. And she called them Clodhoppers. And now, year 2008, I bought some while waiting in line at Blockbuster.

Good news/bad news though. Good: Immediate and hopeless addiction was unleashed upon all who tasted from that bag. Bad: These things barely exist outside of Canada (where they're born. another obligatory "eh"). Blockbuster seems to be the only outpost round here.

Fortunately, said website offers online ordering. Guess who's going to order a 24 bag case?

Rising from the ashes of memory

2008-04-12T22:19:00.024-05:00

I don't know how long it's been gone. Might have been a million hundred years ago. Just didn't notice. No, impossible. Of course I noticed back then, whenever. Surely you remember it. It looked like this:

Ah-ha! "The Norm"

Quit playing, you do remember this. At least I do. It was a staple of my youth, when the comics were the paper. One of my favorites. Probably started reading it around 4th or 5th grade.

Sure it was funny, but I really gravitated toward the characters themselves. And looking back, my reasons are for-real-creepy. Take Norm. He was awesome, the guy I wanted to be someday. His hair was cool (I guess I thought that), his turtleneck was cool (I dug those, except only mock turtlenecks cause real ones actually made me choke and gag), he did cool stuff (played basketball at least once). Can't elaborate, as the memories are fuzzy, but I honestly remember the feeling.

Weirder - and for-real-creepier - I had a big time crush on Reine, his girlfriend/eventual wife (sorry to spoil it if you planned to go back and read the archives from day one). Who knows why a cartoon character made such an impression on a 5th grader. But everything from hair to face to personality was a mathematical forumula for "perfect" to my mind. And I never even knew how to pronounce "Reine". Anyway, apologies, this part is more disturbing than expected.

Have to mention the best friend too. His name was Ford. Ford was always my favorite car company. ........ Guess that's probably it, that's what did it. He was cool too though.

Well it was there for a long while, just another part of everyday life. I tried to see if it's still kicking, but it looks like maybe just reruns on GoComics. Even so I think it'd be worth reading some again. Just check out that three strip series. Any human who has experienced something remotely resembling a relationship can get that. And I can ask any of them to explain it to me!

BTW (Beholder, some few more Thoughts, please Wait a minute longer. Not what you thought.): This came out of nowhere. I was actually going to mention "The Family Circus," but since I'm looking for stuff to be posted regularly, it'll be part of a series on comics. No kidding.

...Again...

2008-04-11T22:28:00.004-05:00

The refs just tied the game, so..........need another one.

Come on, strange luck.

Edit: Due to the ninja cats or not, game's over, Wild win! Sadly, I will now do this for the rest of my life.

Working hard at creating luck

2008-04-11T22:20:00.004-05:00

Game is scored 1-1, late in the 3rd period. Wild are pressing big time.

I really think this could do it.

EDIT!!!: I'm halfway between jubilant and totally freaked out. I clicked the post button and the puck was suddenly in the net. Looks like the beginning of an irrational new superstition.

Thinking happy thoughts

2008-04-11T21:55:00.005-05:00

Don't talk to me, I'm crabby. The Wild are losing again in the playoffs. I'm using the power of
cute pictures for mental healing.

Sorry you have to share in this.

Edit: It's already working! Tied the game up. If it's still tight late there may be more lol cats. I have to do this.

Sports Roundup - Wednesday, April 9

2008-04-09T23:17:00.006-05:00

MEN'S NCAA FINAL FOUR:

Obviously, I did not see this.

You probably saw it. Everyone did. I stopped watching at 2:00 in regulation and continued an in-progress game of NHL 08, since Kansas just wasn't gonna come back. Which meant they would. Thankfully, I did switch back in time to see the Memphis players' faces as OT expired.

OTHER SPORTS NEWS:

NHL 08 (video game): Choosing this over the game was ill-advised, but at least there were some positives here. I won my opening playoff game vs. the Kings. Not a big surprise, since I'm 1st seed in teh West. And defending Stanley Cup champion. I am that good.

REAL NHL PLAYOFFS: ARRRGHGUHHH

CONFOUND IT: I AM ANGRY WE LOST A HARD FOUGHT GAME IN OVERTIME WHEN WE CARRIED MOST OF THE PLAY ALL NIGHT.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE MINNESOTA WILD: IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING

WOMEN'S NCAA FINAL FOUR: Apparently it's over now. Somebody won, and they all lost.

Also new: "Arbitrarily Chosen Thing of the Week"

2008-04-07T17:27:00.016-05:00

You hate Mondays. I know it. So from now till kingdom come, Mondays are the official home of the "Arbitrarily Chosen Thing of the Week," or ACT(W). What that is? Oh just something so great, you can bask in its glorious glow all Monday and for the rest of the week. It's like therapy or (prescription) drugs. And now...

ACT(W) for April 7, 2008 is...

BADTZ-MARU!

Yeah, him. Easily the most awesome character ever to come from a Japanese cartoon made for preschool-age girls. Born in Oahu, Hawaii on April Fools day, 1993. (??!?) Attitude? That doesn't even come close. Sure he's as cute as they come, but you also get the feeling he breaks thumbs for the mob in his spare time. No other penguin in history could match that icicle-dagger stare. Or that rebellious, kinda vaguely mohawk shaped head. And hyphenated names always net a 2x score multiplier. Badtz-Maru.

See all the crazy things this guy does at http://badtz-maru.com/. Official word is at http://sanrio.com/characters/, not as heavily recommended.

Almost didn't add this, but apparently the name Badtz-Maru is "literally 'XO'." Whatever, Wikipedia.

Sports Roundup - Thursday, April 3

2008-04-03T21:58:00.012-05:00

I've been evaluating what manner of crazy new stuff might highlight the revamped blog. No poll here, because that's unscientific. And you people are ripe with the smell of election fraud. So, my choice. One obvious candidate is a daily sports section, so it was unofficially christened yesterday. But not just gloating about my favorite teams, because that's unfair and pretty boring. Instead there is now an official blog baseball team! I present..........the Edmonton Cracker Cats!

Yes, that Edmonton. The Canada one. Why? I mean, come on, the Cracker Cats? What other choice was there? I'd give you the dope on these guys, but that's Wikipedia territory. Suffice it to say, an independent league baseball team.

Season starts May 23rd, so this is an early heads up. Get your gear now. I honestly don't know if they have gear.

OTHER SPORTS NEWS

NHL: Minnesota Wild win Northwest division for first time! Didn't say I wouldn't ever talk about my teams.

BARRY BONDS: His mug is all up on ESPN's front page tonight. Come on guys, honestly...I'd almost rather see a another Belichick story.

Sports Roundup, April 2

2008-04-02T23:24:00.004-05:00

MLB:

There are currently no baseball players sporting this look. And for good reason. Aiiyeee.

NCAA BASKETBALL:

Yeah I had a terrible bracket again, but did get three Final Four teams. Bet you can't beat that. Unless you're everyone in the United States, moms and little babies included. I'm a total failure.

Well that's all the sports news for today, back again tomorrow.

Welcome! If you're here because I begged you to come, don't leave now, even though there's nothing new to read yet.

2008-04-02T21:38:00.003-05:00

This was spur of the moment/a long time in the making. Things will be here quite soon. A lot.

Spelling error (sp?)

2008-04-02T21:05:00.002-05:00

Not an error if you're in the UK, but when writing in American, it should probably have been spelled "remodelling". I could have edited the old post, but it's exciting posting three times in one day all of a sudden.

Remodeling this old house

2008-04-02T21:01:00.002-05:00

Changing things around slightly. Go ahead, question my sanity. It's understandable as I've started a running blog status update for the benefit of the no current readers of the blog. What, haven't you ever talked to yourself while working alone?

Couldn't remember the password

2008-04-02T20:57:00.002-05:00

You wouldn't believe the hoops I jumped through to get in here. Minimum three of those "type the nonsense word you see into a box" things. But I'm back in here (the Blogosphere; term I always hated). And I think I'm gonna start messin around in here (Blgspre) again. Not that anyone knows, since this is going straight into web ether. But anyway.

Minnferiority Complex

2006-10-02T19:32:00.000-05:00

I am a Minnesotan. In a broader sense, I am a Midwesterner. Did you hear anything remarkable in either of those statements? I didn't. I've lived around these parts for my entire life. Somehow it doesn't make me feel particularly special. More like blandly mediocre, actually. But that's not how everyone else in my home state sees it. Don't suggest to them that Minnesota might not quite measure up to some other states. See, there's a phenomenon that occurs accross the Midwest in general. It's a vast case of me-too syndrome. Or in my state in particular, what I've come to think of as a Minnferiority complex. It may not be the most ingenious word ever, but it is what it is. Everyone's constantly looking for affirmation that people really like us. All I have to do is turn on the local TV news every evening to be reminded of just how popular we are. Maybe they're right. After all, it was just last summer that Meryl Streep herself found the greatest pizza she'd ever eaten, right here in St. Paul! You can't tell me that doesn't count for something! In fact, Hollywood in general just loves us. Why else would they decide to shoot one of the all time classic holiday films, "Jingle All The Way", in my own backyard of Minneapolis? But that's not the only evidence of our greatness. What about having the no. 2 ranked small town in America (Owatonna)? Or how about this - the 62nd largest city skyline IN THE WORLD! Like I said, though, it's not just Minnesota. All of us Midwestern people have a desire to really be someone, to be famous. For a couple of years I lived in Wautoma, Wisconsin, which just happens to be the "Christmas Tree Capital of the World" (oh wait, sorry, it's now actually the "Pine Tree Capital of the World". can't imagine what caused that change...). Of course Wisconsin is especially well known for this world capital stuff, but it just makes sense. If you pick something extremely obscure to be good at, you have at least a decent chance of being somewhere near top of the list. Who cares if it's rutabagas, backhoe/loaders, ginseng, farm toys, black squirrels, cranberries, or even magic (yep, Colon, MI), if you're pretty good...you're probably the best. To be honest though, for all my sarcasm, I really do enjoy living here. Life is just fine, and even pretty good in some ways. But just some advice for my fellow Minnesotans: quit living for that 15 minutes when Katie Couric stops by to say "Hi" and tells us all how much she admires us. We don't need celebrities to tell us we're special in order to be happy. After all, this is Minnesota, not Idaho.

SPAM

2006-09-20T10:23:00.000-05:00

I love SPAM. How about that for an opening statement? If I had stopped after that first sentence, there probably would have been like a hundred comments...or maybe like 8, since that's basically my total readership. But honestly, what other topic ignites statements of sworn hatred in the way that SPAM does? And no, I don't mean the spam that forced you to close your old Hotmail account, although it kind of goes to show just how unpopular the name is when it's used for the greatest annoyance of the modern age. Maybe some of you don't even know what real SPAM is. Brief history lesson. The Hormel company introduced a canned meat called "Spiced Ham" in 1937, and held a naming contest, resulting in the creative and exciting title of "SPAM." People still recovering from the Depression recognized SPAM as an inexpensive and versatile, not to mention slightly tasty, meat. Of course then came World War II, and SPAM became THE staple meat of the Army, thus causing a vast overexposure to it amongst soldiers. From there, the rest is history. The entire baby boomer generation was born with a deep hatred for SPAM already encoded into their (newly discovered) DNA. So you see, people have no choice. Their nature tells them they hate SPAM, and they believe it. But at the naive age of 7 I was exposed to it, and have been eating it ever since. To me, SPAM is a delicate treat (not TREET, mind you, which is the imitation SPAM...you probably just shuddered at the phrase "imitation SPAM," didn't you?). SPAM is good for sandwiches, sliced on crackers, fried at breakfast...it just goes on and on. And it recently became less stomach turning than ever before, now that Hormel found a way to get rid of the notorious coating of SPAM gel! So anyway, next time someone offers you some SPAM, ignore that pre-programmed warning in your brain and discover the finest processed, canned, ready-to-eat pork and ham meat product the world has ever known!

(Oh, and yes, this is my official return to blogging after a summer long hiatus. I just decided to get on with the actual entries instead of first publishing an entire "welcome back" post. I know, champion of the oppressed, defender of the common man, and all that stuff. Just leave your thanks on the comment page.)

Collegification

2006-05-04T23:27:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, I'm posting for the second time this week. Sign of the apocalypse for sure. But provided this doesn't somehow trigger the destruction of the world as we know it, maybe you can help me out. While packing up all my stuff to go home, I was thinking about the indications my collegification. So I made a list. A list of the ten biggest things I can think of that hinted at a transformation from high school kid to college guy (I'm not saying I'm a real college guy quite yet, but I'm still trying). Your part in this is to choose which of these you think was the real starting point of my college life. Go ahead and vote on the comments page. Or if you don't want to do that, just...well, who really cares what you do if you're going to be so lazy. Not really, but anyway.....

1. Arriving on campus the first day. This would be the most logical choice in a way. Technically I guess it's the official starting point of my college life. And after the baptism by fire that is orientation weekend, I think any freshman earns at least one stripe. But only one, and it doesn't really mean much to the veteran students.

2. First real time doing my own laundry. I know, this is like admitting that the only person who had ever cut my hair was my mom, or that my mom still set out my clothes for me every day in high school. But it's true, my mom has just always done my laundry. Nothing says "you are now a man" like sorting out your own socks...and looking for that one fugitive...seriously, where can they possibly go?

3. First time staying up until 4 AM writing a paper. From what I hear, the sign of real college talent is seeing how long you can put off a paper before writing it and still turning it in on time. My first experience with such a challenge found me finishing it at 4 AM, about seven hours before class. Of course, with an empty class period preceding deadlines, I was able to cut that down to about 2-3 minutes in later cases.

4. Getting my hair cut independently of my mom and Great Clips. Okay, I guess this actually is really close to only ever having my mom as my barber, but I had my fair share of quick $10 cuts at the mall. What can I say, I'm just a mama's boy. No big deal, there's always someone in the dorm willing to give it a shot for a few dollars. And Leland dorm happens to feature the master of college haircuts, our buddy Geoffrey. Of course I think he only does it as an excuse to stay out of Armitage for one more hour.

5. Realizing I hadn't eaten breakfast in two months. I'm not going to say all guys are as bad as me at this, but it's not that uncommon for us to skip breakfast for that extra 20 minutes of sleep. One of life's greatest mysteries is how girls can get up before 6:00 AM. I'm pretty sure the next day hasn't even started by that time. If you're going to do that, why go to sleep at all?

6. Getting quarters at whatever cost. Everyone knows that the world's greatest dependency problem is not America's thirst for oil. It's the college student's unending need for quarters. I never understood before this year how someone could never, under any circumstances, have enough quarters. But one time this dilemma caused me to do something that truly horrified me. I was so desperate for laundry money that I went to the student center vending machine and bought three bags of chips and two candy bars just to get enough change back to clean my clothes that night. It was then I realized my primal survival instincts were taking over.

7. Ordering pizza after the forbidden time. There comes a point in the adult life when certain types of food - or any food - right before bed will ruin one's entire night of sleep. Thankfully that usually comes after college. Not only can I eat pizza at midnight, I've been hungry enough for it to break rules to get it. But hey, I have to live it up now, because in a few years people will have to listen to my complaining about how that slice of pizza talked back to me all night.

8. Realizing that midnight had become an early bed time. It wasn't like I had never been able to choose when I went to sleep. It was that I had never so consistently failed to get more than 6 hours of sleep. Know why I always went to sleep shortly after midnight? That's when the internet shuts off. If your dictionary doesn't have this under the definition of "pathetic", you need a new dictionary. (try the Microsoft one)

9. Stealing disposable socks from the Nike shoe store. So about that aforementioned sock problem. Everyone encounters it. The normal person goes to the store to buy more socks. What does the college student with no car and little money do? He loads up on disposable try-on socks at a shoe store. No joke, I'm still using them. Hey I can't be the only one to ever do that, can I? Can I?

10. Finishing a class reading assignment right at the deadline. Sounds like a normal accomplishment, but it was a new thing for me. We had to read a couple of books for one of my classes; an easy, run-of-the-mill assignment. It was all due by the end of our final exam period. Naturally I forgot to do so until...our final exam period. No sweat. After finishing my test, I went over to the library, read a book on education, and sent the info to my teacher just before time expired, all within half an hour. Nothing extraordinary for the experienced master, but it's a starting point for me. By next semester I'm hoping to actually be able to bend time and space in dire circumstances like this. Something to work on anyway.

A man without

2006-05-01T16:29:00.000-05:00

...a place to go. I am officially an exile for the time being. It's that time of year...white glove time. Kind of a fun ordeal, in some strange way. I was going to post a picture of what it looked like when I woke up this morning, but then the post would have been rated at least PG-13 for frightening scenes, disturbing images, and some language (well two out of three). Long story short, it's done, and now I have nothing to do, nowhere to go for the next couple of hours. So blogging is a good nothing to do. Not a prize winning essay, just some loose ends. Expect multiple variances (arbitrariances?) within this thing. Ready, go.

Have you ever had that feeling? The feeling when you turn the TV on and flip through all the channels at least 4 times before exclaiming that there's nothing on? I mean has it ever made you feel like if boredom were a crime you'd be an inmate on death row? But think about how boredom has changed. It takes so much more to entertain people today. When I picture boredom I think of Sunday afternoon TV without cable. Public television broadcasting special insomnia therapy programming, a network showing golf (!), the race on lap 3 out of 900, and some unnamed channel broadcasting a movie so lame that no one has ever watched the whole thing...ever. But go back, even just to the beginning of television - my dad holds it as a matter of personal pride that when he was growing up there were three channels (and they were in black and white, and they hardly came in at all, and you had to walk 20 miles uphill in the snow wearing worn out dime-thin-soled shoes just to watch it...). Now think of how bored we can get even when the channels reach into the hundreds. But don't look for any witty, biting social criticism, because this is going all downhill from here. This kind of boredom happened to me on Saturday, albeit with no TV involved. I did have my computer, though, with a billion games to play, not to mention a wealth of information on any topic that ever existed all available on the internet. But there just wasn't anything on. So I spent the rest of my night flying through the last 30 years of periodicals in the library basement. And.....we have now reached the bottom of this hill.

By the way, speaking of 70's era magazines, I was thoroughly amused at the incredible number of cigarette ads. I know there are laws today about cigarette advertising and stuff like that, but come on now. More pages of smoke ads than actual articles? That might have been stretching it. The only reason I can see for it is that it was the 70's, and everyone knows marijuana had a tight hold on the "dangerous habit forming substance" market, so maybe the tobacco guys had to do that to compete. Goodness, the evils of capitalism....

My other thought for the last two days has been this - when did rain become such a terrible thing? I can't tell you how frustrated I get when a cloud comes into view over the horizon, and without fail I hear someone say, "Oh sad, it's going to rain!" Aside from revealing that these people clearly aren't the usual Wisconsin farm kids, I think this is a sign of a skewed thought process. Could you tell me why rain is so bad? Did I miss something? Has the acid content of rain gone critical and started to actually melt people? As far as I know, rain is usually a good thing, at least in moderation. And aside from the obvious benefits, I've always enjoyed a rainy day once in a while. I find something kind of fun about looking out and seeing the darkened sky and listening to the rain. It's a change of pace at the least. I don't want bright sunshine every day any more than I want a bologna and cheese sandwich for every meal. Or any meal...anyway just look on the bright side. And the cloudy, damp side too once in a while.

War and...Sportsmanship

2006-04-18T23:18:00.000-05:00

Wars happen. They've been happening almost since the beginning of time. Why? I suppose most people would agree that it's largely because of selfishness. One guy wants what the other guy has, so boom - they fight each other for it. Probably true in many cases. But what if it started with something totally different? I have my own theory (begin bracing yourself). Back in the day, people didn't really have much to do, other than play another round of "who can shove the stick into his eye the farthest," or other games like that. They were bored. So all the nations got together and agreed to create armies to compete against each other. Not for any real reason, but just for the sake of competition. Get it? Like the sports we play today! Maybe early warfare was just a primitive version of our competitive sports, albeit a very crude and kind of dangerous version. Then again, maybe not. But it still intrigues me. Today when sports fans think rivalry, they think UNC-Duke, Cowboys-Redskins, Michigan-Ohio State, etc. Forget them! What about Athens vs. Sparta? Now that's a rivalry. You've got smart, cultured, sophisticated Athens (almost like an Ivy-League school back when they were also sports powers) versus the mean, ugly bad boys of Sparta (I can almost see a Raiders logo on their helmets). Or look at Rome. Can you imagine Julius Caesar in the middle of heated contract negotiations? What about the Roman Senate arguing over financing for a new stadium with retractable awning? And what about when history teachers always say things like, "at this point in time, so and so country had the world's best army." What if that's not just a guess? What if it really was their true ranking? I wouldn't be surprised if some guy somewhere had started a monthly Power Ranking, or even a Top 25 list that reflected the ever changing strength of the different nations. Do you think maybe people were filling out World War I brackets for their office contests? And what would it be like if a reporter had written an article to help them make their picks? Don't worry, I already went to the trouble to think that one through. I think it would read something like this.

"Well it's that time of year again. You know, it's really hard to predict how this thing will turn out. We have some established forces as well as some newcomers this year. Germany is kind of a surprise favorite for a lot of people. They're young, but they've had a lot of success already, and they've shown that they're never intimidated. They'll go toe to toe with anyone and everyone. France has traditionally been a big talker, but lately they've struggled to back it up. They have some firepower, but their defense has also been questioned by many. Russia is really the big question mark. They've showed signs in the past of becoming an established powerhouse, but their shocking non-conference loss to upstart Japan was a major red flag. Plus there have been recent reports of major team chemistry issues. I would count on an early exit for them. There are also some possible Cinderellas in the field. I see the United States as being the best possibility. The Americans have been pretty quiet since their huge upset against Britain, but I really like their energy. Definitely a lot of potential. If they find their way into the tournament, they could make some noise. My overall favorite, though, has to be Britain. They never really get many home matchups, but they're excellent on the road. The pressure of being in someone else's house doesn't faze them. The British are the type of gritty, veteran group that can grind out a win when they need it most, and I think they'll find a way to win here."

Ok, maybe I took this a little too far.......

Mexicota

2006-04-05T21:24:00.000-05:00

Big weekend coming up for me...I'm traveling to South Dakota! Notice the word traveling. I think we will actually spend 4-5 days driving and will be there for about 2 hours. And no, I'm not exaggerating. It's okay, we're actually going to help with a youth conference by doing some skits and stuff. So as I was thinking this week...about South Dakota...I thought about the vacation our family took to the Black Hills (are they important enough to merit capitalization? hmm, benefit of the doubt I guess) a few years ago. I rememeber my sister, who was probably five at the time, forgetting what the state was called and making up a new name for it - Mexicota. None of us could figure out where that came from, but it was just one of those cute funny things little kids say. Until recently when I read something unusual in the opinion section of the newspaper. One man wrote a letter proposing that the United States should join with Mexico and form a united economy. Say wha...Huh? Well...you mean just like more open trade or something right? No, he went on. Basically he decided it would just make perfect sense for the United States and Mexico to become one country. Oh. So this brilliant idea sat around in my brain for a week or so, when suddenly something hit me. My sister had been dead on! Forget making one united nation. Nobody really wants that. I think all Mexico really wants from us are the states that seem like they would fit in better with their scenery anyway (read - boring, sandy wasteland). Mexico, I present to you South Dakota. And while we're at it, maybe you would be interested in some of these other pieces of real estate. How about Nevada (minus Vegas, silly), or maybe the eastern half of Wyoming? What about Texas? You seemed pretty interested in it back in the day, and now that we don't want all that oil after all, maybe you could find more use for that chunk of property. Actually I think it would make sense for you to have Texas, to go along with all that land you have there to its left...oh wait, New Mexico is ours after all...well, take that too, it never sounded very American anyway. Yeah, I think this would be a good deal for you, Mexico. Think it over. Oh, and before I forget, this wouldn't be an even deal if we get nothing in return, so I was thinking you could trade us all your land that would be considered even remotely interesting. You know, like maybe some kind of mountains, those beach resorts that our tourists find so agreeable, some kind of ancient ruins...that kind of stuff. Even trade as far as I'm concerned. Thanks, Mexico.

I am the very model of a modern major manly-man...

2006-03-29T12:54:00.000-06:00

Spring break is now over, and I guess I would say my mission was largely accomplished...which basically means I watched the movies I had wanted to see. Among them - the new Pride & Prejudice. Now you might expect some immediate excuses for this. Something like "a group of girls forced me to watch it at someone's house" or "only because Keira Knightley was in it" or maybe even "the video store mistakenly put the disc into the case for some war movie and I mistakenly watched it entirely by mistake." No, I am using none of those defenses. I rented it on my own and watched it by myself one afternoon. How is this possible? No self-respecting guy would do something like this...right? Probably true but then again the average guy has a hard time watching any movie that goes for more than 10 seconds without an explosion. I actually try to not be the typical "guy" in some ways. That doesn't mean you'll see me wearing a skirt and decorating my room with pink anytime soon. It just means I'm not intimidated by things like books (gasp!), or even long movies filled with talking. And Pride & Prejudice is both in essence. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'll ever be caught dead with the Jane Austen book, or even the 6 hour long "classic" that every girl ever has watched. I too have my limits. But honestly this new movie is very good. It's well acted, has incredible photography, and, well, it's British! Those people are a little odd in more than a few ways, but if there's one thing they've mastered it's talking. I really wish I could talk like them. And I don't mean just the accent. Any truly patriotic American can use an awful British accent, but it's the way they word things that's so fascinating. All I can say is only the British could take a mundane part of everyday life like talking and make it their art. But it works - I've seldom found simple conversations as riveting as they are in this movie. So there you have it, my very long excuse for watching Pride & Prejudice. To summarize, I'm not a real man, that other movie is really long, and British people are good talkers.

P.S. The next day I watched The Great Raid, and the Americans shot a bunch of guys and blew up a bunch of stuff. So everything balanced out again. At least that's my next excuse.

Spring Broken

2006-03-21T14:37:00.000-06:00

Just as my newfound love of blogging was starting to set in, it happened. We were let loose from school for this entire week. And everyone knows you only do what you absolutely have to do when you're on break. So it turns out blogging doesn't fall in the category of "what you absolutely have to do." Still, I feel like I should do something. I know, everyone says the number one rule of blogging is DON'T FORCE YOURSELF TO BLOG, only do it when you feel like it. Well, I've always believed rules are merely the chains that keep us from fully living our lives (no, not really), so I'm going to post something just to spite the blogmasters. Actually this is something I've wanted to do semi-regularly. Just a small post to tell the world about something great I found. It could be anything. Maybe a new cd you should buy, maybe a movie you have to rent, maybe a website you need to check daily with reckless obsession...like I said, anything I find to be cool. Why should you trust my judgement? Well.......look - just trust me on this one. So without further digression, I must HIGHLY recommend this website, http://www.northernimages.com/lakesuperior/index.php. The link is on the left side of the page, but I know you never look at those. It's full of great photography, mainly of things around the Great Lakes. Specifically, there's a lot of Duluth, MN, one of my favorites cities. The guy who does all of the photography even is a Christian, so he gets bonus recommendation points. So, in long, check out this website.

Minor Amendment

2006-03-15T20:27:00.000-06:00

(For those of you who have already asked me, and for the benefit of those who have secretly pitied me, I feel I must make this small note about the last post. I had, in fact, been up past midnight before this year. So I - in a manner of speaking- lied. Or more accurately, I fabricated some parts of my story...something anyone who reads this blog may or undoubtedly will have to come to grips with.)

The Stroke of Midnight

2006-03-14T12:11:00.000-06:00

Have you ever heard that story about that girl and the soldier-ish looking Nutcracker thing? Of course you have. It's weird stuff. The girl gets this thing as a present but then it breaks. At night she can't stop thinking about it so she goes downstairs to look at it, and when she gets downstairs the clock strikes midnight and...well I don't know how to put it but she and the Nutcracker have a battle with this evil army of mice, and he transforms into a prince, and something about Sugarplum Land and living happily ever after...who knows. So what's the point of telling this fairy tale right now? Just this - weird things happen after midnight. You know it's true, if you've ever dared face it. It's something I could only wonder about as a kid. I had never been up that late. I didn't want to be, because that's when all the creepy things happened. Little gnomes made shoes in your living room, and mice took over the kitchen, and the washer and dryer and furnace all came alive in the basement. That's why, to be safe, everyone had to be in bed before midnight. But this fall when I got to Maranatha, everything changed. People didn't go to sleep. I was cautious at first. In bed by 11:00, quick to go to sleep. It soon became more difficult. Too much noise, too much activity. Finally one night it happened. I fearfully looked at my clock next to me. 11:59. Terror seized my soul; in a few short seconds the spell of midnight would fall. Creepy little men would come out from under the beds and start playing my computer games, eating my food, and stealing my socks. Maybe I would be safe...I had a high bunk (no really, I mean like scraping the ceiling while lying down high). If I kept really quiet they wouldn't know I was awake. And then something weird did happen. My roommates started talking to each other. Not normal talking, but a deep theological discussion that could drown the mind of the average college Bible faculty member. They were using not everyday words, but some kind of enchanted "land of midnight" speech that I couldn't understand. And the crowd was growing. Someone from down the hall joined in. Then another. I tried to listen, but the world of midnight was too much, and soon I was asleep. When I woke up, everything was normal again. Just like every other morning. But I was no longer ignorant. I knew what really happened after the clock struck 12:00. And maybe someday I would face it without fear. Someday.......

March Madness (no, a different one)

2006-03-09T22:31:00.000-06:00

(Spoiler alert - this post contains too much sports information for the typical Chelsie, Brittany, or other assorted girl to bother reading it.)
It's March. Need I say more? If the thought of March only brings to mind the beginning of spring, warmer weather, my brother's birthday, or other things like that, obviously you have no right to call yourself a sports fan...or maybe even an American...or a human even...but I have an extra reason to be excited about this time of year. It's called hockey. Maybe you've heard of it. Maybe you haven't. And if you're proud to be an American, maybe you should try to pretend hockey doesn't exist (ahem - Olympics - cough)*. But I'm from Minnesota, and we have our own tournament to care about, the Boys' High School Hockey tournament. Again, this is for the sports fans out there, but think Indiana high school basketball. It's basically that kind of deal. And on top of that, there's NCAA hockey. Don't tell me you don't get excited about the Frozen Four. I know you do. I mean, I do...so why wouldn't everyone else? Honestly though, and with all possible team jinxing aside, Minnesota is looking really good so far. Since December when I went all the way home just to see them lose to hated Wisconsin, the Gophers have gone 18-1-1. (that's 18 wins, 1 loss, 1 tie, but you already knew that) We've already got the conference championship under the belt, but who cares? They're looking at the national championship. No, seriously. When the conference trophy was awarded to our team captain before our last regular season series, he held it for a second and then put it down right away and said "That's not the one we want". So let's just say I'm getting excited about this March. No post-Olympic depression for me, just straight into more sports obsession. I guess I like spring after all.

*Just so you know, I was just about the only optimist during the whole olympic tournament, but I have to admit it wasn't pretty.

Imaginary Learning

2006-03-08T20:14:00.000-06:00

One of the most unusual aspects of my educational experience came up again in math class today. Imaginary numbers. Go ahead, try to wrap your brain around that concept for a second. I tried this morning but I've come down with a severe brain cold, so it wasn't going so hot. Really it makes perfect sense though. See, these numbers don't actually exist, but we're going to learn them anyway. Impressive. But hey if math can pull that off, why not extend the concept to other areas? What about imaginary history? Let's teach people about all the events in the course of history that never happened. Like how Spain leveled the entire continental United States with a nuclear bomb in 1924. Or what about imaginary spelling? I bet 98% of the people on the internet could earn a PhD in that subject. Oh how the possibilities could go on...but it's okay. Actually I've always been a big fan of imagination. Without imagination who knows how much more primitive our lives would be today. I just never thought to look for it in the world of mathematics.

The Threshold

2006-03-07T20:23:00.000-06:00

I hate blogs. Really, I do. From the trite descriptions of mundane everyday life right down to the cute imaginary word titles. So why am I doing this? Probably because I'm an idiot. Possibly because I'm bored. And most plainly because it seems to be my destiny. A free space to share all of my opinions with the world? Anyone who knows me would expect me to take that deal. Giving my opinion seems to be what I am best (or worst) at. Maybe that's why I've held out so long. Or maybe it's because a large part of me still hates the idea of putting all this out here with the vain hope that someone out there cares to read it. In any case, resistance has become futile (you're welcome, fellow Star Trek nerds). And there's even a snappy, sappy made up word title - Arbitrariances. I would explain it, but why bother since we have the fine work of the people at dictionary.com available to all. Let's just say it sums up the content of most blogs fairly well. Whatever, if you're still reading, which would actually be quite sad, just know that I will try to be the best blogger I can be. Maybe a serious one, likely not, but who really knows what will happen. This is just the threshold.

(oooooh, didn't that give you shivers? I liked it)