No that's not the question, I'll save that for "Worst Post Ever Day," celebrated annually on June 23rd. (or Chinese Worst Post Ever Day, on November 19).
REAL QUESTION: WHAT'S WORSE, A CHAINSAW CUT OR A PAPER CUT?
VS.
I say it's not as obvious as you think! There are two sides to this coin. Naturally we will use the greatest problem solving device of all time. A comparison/contrast list of pros and cons.
INTIMIDATION FACTOR
Chainsaw: 10/10 The classic horror movie weapon. Just plain gruesome looking. Crazy teeth make it look like a mechanical monster
Papercut: 0/10 No psychopath ever chased down a babysitter with a Hallmark card.
STEALTH FACTOR
Chainsaw: 0/10 Sneaky? Barry Bonds could sneak into a Little League lineup with more ease.
Papercut: 10/10 Basically the Stealth Bomber/Navy SEAL/Ninja of personal injuries. Danger isn't anywhere, it's everywhere. Which unassuming paper product is the one lying in wait? Trick question; they all are.
INJURY SEVERITY
Chainsaw: 9/10 Just your basic total mutilation. Limbs severed, internal organs externalized, and in short, a gore shower. Rates as 9 because I have to leave room for the ultimate injury, nuclear vaporization.
Papercut: 1/10 Tiny, tiny lascerations. Can draw blood at times.
ANNOYANCE
Chainsaw: 5/10 Can't really call this annoying. Chances are, you saw it coming. And the effect ranges from life-altering to -ending. Not really a monkey wrench in your day, more like a whole new era of pure agony. Though you may eventually be annoyed at having only one foot.
Papercut: 10/10 It's partly the surprise factor that makes these so intolerable. Just going about your own business shuffling papers/turning the page/handing someone a memo. Then SSSSSSSSSLICE! WHAHAT? IT'S JUST A FLYER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! You can't even see the gash, but it stings like there's no tomorrow. Arrrghhhh!
PREVENTION
Chainsaw: 6/10 Most of us don't see these every day, or at least get within 30 feet of one in operation. A logger would need a different rating. Still, when you do use it, you're practically begging to lose any number of vital body parts.
Papercut: 9/10 This is a bad 9 score, meaning you pretty much can't outrun papercuts. They catch us all at some point. You could wear leather gloves 24/7, but how big a dork are you willing to be? No, we just wait like lambs for the slaughter.
Is that it? Yeah might as well be. TALLY......
CHAINSAW: 30/50
PAPERCUT: 30/50
Well look at that! A tie! Definitely not manufactured to end up as a tie. That would be contrived. So there you have it, chainsaw cuts and papercuts are...virtually the same. Virtually.
Maybe that's not quite fair, but they're closer than you thought, huh?
Wait that wasn't technically a real list of pros and cons...
2 comments:
Ok, first: Isn't it "the most unkindest cut" ("of all"). 'Most unkindest' is usually wrong, but in this case, it's acceptable. Therefore, I am hereby lobbying for its inclusion.
Second: thanks for the alert. You just ruined my day of grading papers.
This is absolutely hilarious.
But I must get back to work filing insurance claims for my job . . . except now that I am even more enlightened, I am also more disillusioned about my job. Maybe I should find some leather gloves.
My employer thanks you.
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