You're still there?

You have come to see what's new? Nothing! While you were out, I paused the blog for the summer. And didn't tell anyone about it. Frankly I had no idea you would come check it this summer. But when the college semester is upon us, the pointless things here shall return. Just in time to distract from schooling work.

Although if you beg really nicely, maybe I could do a couple of stuff before summer runs out. There are a couple thoughts hanging around in my brain region. So you, all of you, just let me know if you need a little something from this corner of the internet. Even though that would be kinda weird. And hopeless sounding.

Gluttony Night at the Dome

Sorry I picked up on this late, because you wouldn't have missed this. The Minnesota Twins held a small event during games yesterday and today. For $33, fans could get an upper level seat and UNLIMITED concession stand food. That's equal parts brilliant and revolting, depending on your love for standard sporting event fare. Of course, each person was limited to two items per trip through the line. And obviously you had to consume both items before re-entering the line (unless you were crafty and wore well-pocketed pants, as one fan gloated in today's paper).

Yeah it's kinda (extremely) gross, envisioning a guy literally cramming a dog and nachos down his throat just as he hops back in line for the fourth go around. But consider this: that guy has been going to games all his life, getting ripped off all the way. Today, AD 2008, he must part with $10 for just a hot dog, drink and chips. It's about time he was rewarded, and in the form of nachos, giant pretzels, and malt cups galore. I say bless him. And now get him in for his yearly check-up, stat.

Free t-shirts! With a catch!

Not really a catch per se. Because they are free! The only requirement is a relatively painless joining of a facebook group. Oh and the shirt is not real. That is, not in the literal, physical, wearable clothing sense. But you can, you know...print it out on some paper, or make a sticker out of it, or tile your computer's wallpaper with it...all things regular shirts are incapable of.

Just go to facebook.net and search high and low for the group. It's there somewhere.

No I'm kidding, DON'T do that. Knowing this internet, "facebook.net" is probably a portal to something very terrible. Or just a generic domain name holder. Just play it safe and click here.

Catching up with the Cracker Cats

So sorry friend, I let the blog slide for a few weeks, and forgot to tell you about the Edmonton Cracker Cats open team tryouts. Remember, the official (unofficial [arbitrarily chosen]) baseball team of this blog? Well sadly, the tryouts already came and went. And to think, they also had cheerleading tryouts, advertised as no experience necessary! Personally, I think I'd have made at least one of the two.

But onward, upward, and etc. Opening Night is just a week from now. That's right. Friday, May 23, the old Cats take on the Calgary Vipers. First pitch is 7:05, Mountain Time. This being my first experience with our official team, I can't say whether the games can be tracked live, but check the website (theirs) on game night. Looks like there's a current box score type thing. In any case you'll get a good old fashioned game recap of some kind here. Hopefully I can borrow one from somebody. Though I kinda doubt independent minor league baseball gets great coverage up North. We'll see.

Oh, and extra incentive to make it for Opening Night - FIREWORKS! Are you making travel arrangements now?

Oh!

Almost forgot to shout out at Justin for inspiring the revamped title of the chainsaw post. Thanks to his comment, I was able to more properly invoke the intended Shakespearianism!

Did I mean what I think I meant by "invoke"?

This is going to turn out badly

NOTICE: This is indeed the first post of May, and the month is half over. I figured it would be best to hold off until the end-of-semester fireworks died down. Now all of you (actually it's just you, solitary reader) can refocus on important things. Ahem.

Oh a post.

Wow, this is getting uglier by the second. That's not a real saying, right? "Until the last dog dies!"? Googled it, and of course a bunch of people have used it. Sounds to me like a butchered version of at least three other real sayings. Think about it - this line implies that all will be well only when every contestant is dead. Total thermonuclear attrition. Losers all around. That's someone's idea of a rallying cry? Do you really want your "dog" to die as well? It just doesn't work. Not in the way intended.

But if I ran the Hillary's campaign, I'd probably be using this slogan right about now:

"Let's face it my friends, the second to last dog died at least a week ago, according the forum of media opinion. Honestly, find me one major political analyst that didn't throw his/her hat into Obama's ring within the last 7-10 days. Funny, everyone waiting so long, and then proclaiming the same conclusion simultaneously. Really, should they all get regular wages on the next paycheck? How about one pot, and everyone gets a little share. You can't have all these talking heads earning a living one the back of the ONE GUY who finally decided to call this race. I mean, seriously, at this point the delegate count says it all anyway. Question one: can add and subtract? Question two: do you want to be a big-time political reporter? And I know what you're asking now. 'Why haven't you thrown in the towel?' Here's why - I've spent a veritable FORTUNE on this stinking campaign. No use quitting until they drag you away kicking and screaming. And you never know what might happen. Obama's crazy Sunday school teacher might be hanging out just around the corner..."

Someone print that on a sign so she can use it at the next rally.

The more unkinder cut

Here's the question of the day: why do I only capitalize the first word of blog post titles?

No that's not the question, I'll save that for "Worst Post Ever Day," celebrated annually on June 23rd. (or Chinese Worst Post Ever Day, on November 19).


REAL QUESTION: WHAT'S WORSE, A CHAINSAW CUT OR A PAPER CUT?







VS.














I say it's not as obvious as you think! There are two sides to this coin. Naturally we will use the greatest problem solving device of all time. A comparison/contrast list of pros and cons.




INTIMIDATION FACTOR
Chainsaw: 10/10 The classic horror movie weapon. Just plain gruesome looking. Crazy teeth make it look like a mechanical monster

Papercut: 0/10 No psychopath ever chased down a babysitter with a Hallmark card.


STEALTH FACTOR
Chainsaw: 0/10 Sneaky? Barry Bonds could sneak into a Little League lineup with more ease.

Papercut: 10/10 Basically the Stealth Bomber/Navy SEAL/Ninja of personal injuries. Danger isn't anywhere, it's everywhere. Which unassuming paper product is the one lying in wait? Trick question; they all are.


INJURY SEVERITY
Chainsaw: 9/10 Just your basic total mutilation. Limbs severed, internal organs externalized, and in short, a gore shower. Rates as 9 because I have to leave room for the ultimate injury, nuclear vaporization.

Papercut: 1/10 Tiny, tiny lascerations. Can draw blood at times.


ANNOYANCE
Chainsaw: 5/10 Can't really call this annoying. Chances are, you saw it coming. And the effect ranges from life-altering to -ending. Not really a monkey wrench in your day, more like a whole new era of pure agony. Though you may eventually be annoyed at having only one foot.

Papercut: 10/10 It's partly the surprise factor that makes these so intolerable. Just going about your own business shuffling papers/turning the page/handing someone a memo. Then SSSSSSSSSLICE! WHAHAT? IT'S JUST A FLYER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! You can't even see the gash, but it stings like there's no tomorrow. Arrrghhhh!


PREVENTION
Chainsaw: 6/10 Most of us don't see these every day, or at least get within 30 feet of one in operation. A logger would need a different rating. Still, when you do use it, you're practically begging to lose any number of vital body parts.

Papercut: 9/10 This is a bad 9 score, meaning you pretty much can't outrun papercuts. They catch us all at some point. You could wear leather gloves 24/7, but how big a dork are you willing to be? No, we just wait like lambs for the slaughter.





Is that it? Yeah might as well be. TALLY......



CHAINSAW: 30/50
PAPERCUT: 30/50



Well look at that! A tie! Definitely not manufactured to end up as a tie. That would be contrived. So there you have it, chainsaw cuts and papercuts are...virtually the same. Virtually.

Maybe that's not quite fair, but they're closer than you thought, huh?






Wait that wasn't technically a real list of pros and cons...

There Will Be Blogging

There will be blogging this week. But not right now.

It's over

Well that's that. Minnesota sports season is officially over. No, you're right, baseball isn't over. But 1: It's April, and 2: The Twins aren't bound for greatness anytime soon. So really it's over right now.

Not so terrible, really. Pro sports is kinda stupid when you think about it. That's mostly sour grapes talking, but still. What does it all have to do with the fans anyway? Your team loses every game; you go on living as usual. They win a championship; you're still living the same life, same old day in and day out. And either way, these guys are making more money than most of us could touch in 30 lifetimes (or touch legally, anyway).




Oh who am I kidding, this is the worst. Probably won't pick up the sports section of the paper for a month. And there will be therapy. Read: playing about 3 million games in NHL 08 and racking up Stanley Cups, till eventually it feels like the Wild are champs for real. And I'll probably gain 30 pounds of junk food. All on Pixy Stix.


At least there will be fewer sports posts, for you non-sports types.

One...Last...Time

Well, this looks like it's almost over. Still down, 5 minutes to go. I have one more picture saved up.























































Extra large for importance. If this doesn't work, hockey's over for the year. (please.......)

Elimination Desperation

Waiting for third period, down 2-1. This could be it, and I'm not going down without a fight. So......here goes.

That might seem like overkill, but I had to do it. It's win or go home now. Although we actually go home either way, because a potentional game 7 would be in Minnesota, but I digress. That's a classic sports cliche, and I'm ruining it.

Not in time

The luck may be turning. Wild get scored on and trail 2-1 in elimination game. And I was just about to post.

I just wasn't quick enough on the draw.

Economy forecast: really lame freebies

Obviously the economy isn't doing so well right now, but who knew it was this bad?

















Stumbled upon this at Sears today. Signs all over the store and even one outside the front door.


Since when did "blowout" mean "giving you a token gift that is so trivial it borders on insulting"? Did somebody order too much pop for the employee party? Or are we seeing a pitiful example of corporate penny pinching? Just another retailer trying desperately to stay afloat while facing increasingly tepid consumerism?




Plus, I'd bet it's diet anyway.